We all have a story to tell about forgiveness. We face disappointments, we face hurts, we face a lot of unkind words, accusations, gossip and slander. So long as we remember, forgiving others is not an option so that we can live free from pain, free from guilt, free from bitterness and free from resentments. We are aware for example that there are many people who are hurting in this world, some because their husbands and spouses left them, mothers and fathers who have grown old and forsaken by their children, others have been disowned by their families. Many believers have been persecuted, rejected by their communities and families and even some have been betrayed by their close friends. We also know of crimes committed such as the rapist who took a young girl, hid her in his cellar and imprisoned her to make her like a comfort woman.  

We also know from history that a lot of our fellow Filipinas have been raped several times, and made as sex slaves during the time of the Japanese Imperial Army in the Philippines. Because of fear for the Japanese, these have been virtually imprisoned. Some of us may have experienced divorce and separation, or some had been completely isolated by others due to friction in their relationships. Yes, one may feel that we cannot forgive the rapist, the thief, the murderer, the incestuous uncle, or the unkind friend, or the betrayer, or the abusive husband or father or step mother. We think: how could I ever forgive such a beast? We think how could I forgive a church leader who abused his position or authority? 

And many times the hardest part is to understand and to release those who accused, molested or hurt the ones closest to us. It seems it is easier to forgive those who had hurt us personally than those who hurt the ones closest to us. We feel the need to take matters into our hands. We want justice. How can I forgive those who hurt me or those who hurt my children is a question that many feels is unfair and injustice to actually obey. Like you my dear friends, I had encountered many trials and situations when the choice would have been to either forgive or not to forgive. But every time I thought of not forgiving, I remember these verses that come to mind:

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matt 6:14-15

("Sapagkat kung pinapatawad ninyo ang mga nagkakasala sa inyo, patatawarin din kayo ng inyong Ama na nasa langit. Ngunit kung hindi ninyo pinapatawad ang iba, hindi rin naman patatawarin ng inyong Ama ang inyong mga kasalanan." BMBB)

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37

("Huwag kayong humatol at hindi kayo hahatulan. Huwag kayong magparusa at hindi kayo paparusahan ng Diyos. Patawarin ninyo ang inyong kapwa at kayo'y patatawarin din ng Diyos. BMBB)

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Rom 12:21
(Huwag kayong magpadaig sa masama, kundi daigin ninyo ng mabuti ang masama. BMBB)


The mandate is to forgive

We are commanded to forgive others because Jesus demands obedience from His followers. He demands that just as He washed away your sins, which are many and could not be counted, you also do the same to those who grieved and offended you. By forgiving others, you are actually acknowledging the Lord’s kindness and graciousness in your life; you are just returning a trust which was bequeathed to you. David who understood what it means to be forgiven more than any of us wrote: “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Ps 103:12). There is no sin that God cannot forgive, but He also demands that just as He showed kindness to us on the cross of Jesus, we will also do the same to those who brutalized, assassinated and molested us. It therefore follows that we do not have the right to hold a single thing against them. Again we are reminded: forgive just as the Lord forgave you. 

Are we justified to speak about the offense of others?

There are offenses and crimes that need to be quickly resolved such as adultery, kidnapping, child abuse, rape, murder, mutilation or even betrayal. These crimes which involve higher authorities should be brought before the magistrates of the land so that the child molester, the manslayer, the rapist, the kidnapper, the thief and the robber will not roam and pounce on another victim. Total forgiveness should not mean closing our eyes on the crimes of others. Paul admonished the Church in Corinth to remove from their midst the man who was committing incestuous relationship: “hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord” (1 Cor 5:5). It is admitted that it is not easy to forgive, even to be a witness of heinous crimes but we have to be bold for the truth. There is thin veneer between the motivation to bring such a person before the police and magistrates and to want to get even. But we need to put offenders to jails lest they could be a danger to the society. 

But of trivial cases such as disputes, arguments of remarks that offend people like a gossip, or accusation, these should be judged within the church, among believers. They are supposed to know when to shut their mouth and what to do for such a fellow. Paul says: “Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? (1 Cor 6:4-6).

Are we justified to seek vengeance on those who hurled abuses to us? Do we have the RIGHT to judge them? These questions are often the gruelling thought that comes to those who are wavering whether to release those who hurt them or not. They seek justice, they seek retribution: an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Therefore we need to answer the questions: what is total forgiveness and what is not? How do we know we have totally forgiven someone and how do we forgive those who have hurt us? Theologian Dr. R.T. Kendall sheds light on many of these issues which he had written well in his book Total Forgiveness. Below I have summarized some of these points in numbers.

What total forgiveness is not: 

1.     Approval of the wrong done to us. Jesus forgave us but He never approved of our sin; He forgave the woman caught in adultery but he also told her to stop sinning and live a new life. When Adam and Eve sinned, God forgave them as could be implied in the way He made them coats from animal skin, but He did not approve of the wrong they did. Forgiving others does not mean approval of evil.

2.     Excusing the wrong perpetrated. There maybe a thousand reasons a person could cite why she did the wrong she has done. It could be ideological such as when the communists like the NPA wanted to purge their high command of infiltrators and therefore kill a whole group of command including their relatives and family members. This cannot be excused. Rebellion and murder remains a serious crime. Although Miriam could tell that she disapproved of Moses marrying an Ethiopian woman because she is black, her chosen way of slandering his brother among the Israelite congregation could never be excused. We must never cover up for them.

3.     Justifying what they did. An evil deed such as blasting a bomb in the market place to protest the reconciliation or integration efforts of a diverse community cannot be justified or be made right. An evil action is always premeditated from an evil heart. There is no way than an evil act can be justified. Marcos’act of torturing activists and killing many of them in order to silence his accusers cannot be justified in a democratic and free society where law and order is supposed to be followed religiously.

4.     Pardoning what they did. To pardon is to literally remove the consequences of an offense or to put no penalty. God forgives but we also receive the penalty of our own actions. When Jason Ivler killed the son of a high government official because of his hot temper at the traffic lane, no one could forget that we should put him to jail. Otherwise if we remove the penalty, he can do the same thing again and again.

This is why rapists such as Leo Echegeray, although forgiven, still need to be hanged for the sake of peace of mind of the community and children. Another case is when we step away from the boundaries of marriage and pursue a woman of our liking in blatant disregard of our wives and children, we will reap the evil consequences of a broken family and possible lawsuits. Those who forgo of the sexual boundaries meant by God for our benefit like those who practice homosexuality are not only destroying their bodies and emotions but also their future. The result is confusion and disorder: 

“Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.” Rom 1:26-27

5.     Denying the reality of what happened. Some well meaning relatives and spouses of abusive husbands try to deny the reality that happened—their husband had raped their child or their spouse had killed somebody in a heated brawl. God does not forgive people because they deny the reality of their actions. Conversely, He accepts us and forgives us the moment we admit our wrong and we needed His restoration. We cannot repress feelings, emotions or even the reality of what happened. When we push the pain down to our bodies, this will come back to haunt us as stroke, highblood pressure, stress and anxiety. Total forgiveness cannot come by repressing our feelings but actually admitting them and forgiving our offender.

6.     Pretending we were not hurt. It is ridiculous to think that we cannot be hurt by the downfall of a pastor, or even that we have been kicked out from a fellowship. It is also not right to suppress feelings of pain and guilt with our spouses infidelity. When David sinned, God did not pretend to be hurt. When the people of Noah rebelled, God did not pretend that He was not disappointed. It is by admitting sincerely that we have been hurt and confessing these hurts to God that we are restored.

What total forgiveness is:

1.     It is being aware of what was done and choosing to forgive. As we have said, total forgiveness is not covering up, acquitting the guilty, pardoning, denying and refusing to believe that hurt or wound have been inflicted on us. It is making the choice that in spite of the bad thing that happened, we still choose to forgive because God had also forgiven us. It is by recognizing our debts before God that we begin to release mercy and grace to others. Once we recognize and fully realize the extent of evil that was done on us, we look to the cross of Jesus and from there, we get the strength to say “I forgive you, I release you and set you free.” Yes, in spite of seeing the guilty, in spite of seeing the criminal, we still look at the face of the Lord and see Him looking at the Father crying once again, “Forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.”

Are there rape victims here? Rape is just as brutal as murder. It leaves the innocent shaken for life, traumatized and feeling forsaken and abandoned. Yet in spite of such circumstances, the victim should have the strength to forgive and release the criminal while at the same time witness before courts of the crime. She must let go and forgive but that does not mean we let the criminal off the penalty appropriate for such crimes. Are there victims of wrong accusations here? That would mean recognizing the power of words to cut hearts and stab our emotions to death. We begin the path of healing and restoration by acknowledging we have been hurt deeply and then releasing the person who betrayed, cursed or rejected us. And instead of cursing back, we bless the person, we pray for him. That is forgiveness.

2.     It is forgetting the grievance and not telling it to others. It is our human tendency to look for comforts and find retribution by making our enemies look very odious to others. We speak evil about them because we are bitter and resent their state of being happy and joyful. Once we remember that God has dumped our sins into the sea of forgetfulness, washed us clean whiter than snow, we know that we do not have one right to tell to others what happened except to God and those who can help us get healed.

When I was hurt because of the remarks of my teacher, I did not tell what happened to anyone except to my parents who comforted. Now, every time I got hurt by unkind words, I tell it to the Lord and release those who grieved me in Jesus name. Just as the Lord covered our sins with His blood and did not parade before everyone the shameful things we have done, we also do not have right to parade the sins of others when we are only standing by His grace. It is love to do that, it is a choice we have to do it everyday.

3.     Choosing not to keep a record of wrongs. People use record books so that they can come back to it. We remember the faults of others so that we can throw it back at them when they stumble. How many marriages could have been saved if only we have learned to forget the wrongs done to us and chose to forgive them? Clearly, most couples who get angry at each other threaten to remember the misdeeds of the other so that they can throw their dirt back to them. But Jesus showed us a very different way: “But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.” When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:20-23). In addition we are not to “repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).  We do this because love does not keep a record of wrongs and forgiving people who hurt us is a choice, an act of the will that we do because we are committed to love them. It may not feel right at first, but we are not to be controlled by our emotions but by our faith that we have forgiven people.

4.     Refusing to punish is being kind and compassionate. This is the essence of forgiveness. It is when we feel that those who hurt us deserves to die and be punished but we refuse to curse, revile and return evil that we have chosen the way of love. By rejecting to be bitter at the situation at hand we are overcoming evil, we are actually scattering evil to dust. We are saying the buck stops here and we want to take the attitude of feeding our enemy when he is hungry and giving water to him when he is thirsty. This Christlike attitude of forgiving others wins your enemies to the cross of Christ. Therefore total forgiveness is refusing to punish others even when they deserve it so that they would be as disciples of Christ. Many unbelievers are won just by the patient forebearance of believers when they were persecuted, rejected or accused and they did not return insults.

They did not wish for demonic spell to come upon those who had hurt them. It is therefore necessary that we also examine our hearts every time we decide, face and work with those who had hurt us previously, is our attitude one that proclaims the love and redemption of Christ or one of hatred and bitterness? The word punishment is related to fear in the New Testament, such as in 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” People relish to punish their enemies because they fear them. If we are still controlled by the fear of those who inflicted pain to us, we are still hiding unforgiveness.

We are still bitter at them and have been wishing that they be tormented. A better attitude to these is to show compassion and mercy: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”(Eph 4:32). And to “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Col 3:13-14). 

5.     It is showing mercy and forgiving God and forgiving ourselves. Many times we kid ourselves that only the lost need mercy. There is nothing farther from the truth, we all need mercy and we need to show the same mercy that we wish to be shown upon us by God. To be forgiving therefore does not mean we are devoid of self-interest because it is to our interest to actually forgive others and to extend God’s mercy at them. Matthew writes, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy” (Matt 5:7). And Luke again repeats the same command “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36).

The question is how does one really show mercy? A good example of being merciful is to be considerate to our neighbors. If we offended them or they have offended us, let us extend the same mercy we have received from God. Mercy is God’s attribute. One cannot really give mercy to others unless he had received it first from God. Being omniscient (all wise) and omnipotent (all powerful) are also attributes of God which we could never follow or be. He alone is the wise and almighty God. Neither can we become omnipresent (ever present) but we can follow Him of extending the same mercy He extended to us through the cross of Jesus. Sometimes, we also run into self-pity and a blame game when we are depressed or disappointed. In not so few circumstances that we blame God for putting such obstacles or putting us into bad situations. Blaming God does not work.

We have to release our anger, our grumbling hearts to Him. We often ask: how could a good God allow such thing to happen? The partial answer is God knows every thing, He knows what He is doing, He is just and He is also compassionate. We can rely on His grace that everything will turn out just fine, every evil and bad circumstances will be turned out for our own good. We need to believe in the goodness of God, that all things will work out just fine. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Rom 8:28). We must set the Lord free in our lives. We must stop blaming Him for every bad grade that we receive, for our broken families, for the infidelity of our spouses or for bad circumstances so that He can be free to work in our lives. To forgive people also includes forgiving ourselves.

We may have done dumb things in the past, we may have been accessories to a crime or evil, we may have been used for doping others but that is past. Yes the bitter consequences had happened but we cannot bring them back. All that is left is to release forgiveness on ourselves and to look for the grace of God and for His redemption on our past mistakes. Like Paul our heart cry should be “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil 3:13-14).